Sex and Relationships

SEX wow I bet I have got everybody’s attention. We are sexual beings. Although sex is so very important in a relationship it is really a very small part. Stress in our lives means we can be too tired for sex. Then we have less sex our libido goes down. It becomes a catch 22, you don’t feel like having sex creating more stress in the relationship: (Does he love me? Is she not attracted to me anymore etc?). There are ways to rekindle your libido. Taking vitamins, watching soft porn and massaging one another are some ways to bring the passion back. It is imperative that you plan time out just for yourselves, weekly, with no children or no distractions. If you are taking responsibility for your relationship then the partnership will grow. Otherwise you are putting at risk your relationship and children’s future.

Communication is a word that is used a lot and yet strangely we don’t communicate. To communicate you need to speak as you feel, to be able to relate (relationship). The problem is that we are very confused about our feelings which are in constant flux depending on the situations and experiences that we have in our lives. Our emotional baggage from past experiences and childhood confuses us even more. Then there is little clarity but this is very good. Everything is being brought out to the surface, hopefully for the better to bring about the changes that need to occur. For those changes to occur we have to be ‘AWARE’. We have to become aware that there is something wrong before we can change it.

In counselling sessions I have heard statements like ‘I wish s/he would hurry up and get it over with’ ‘I pretend that I am enjoying it’ ‘I fake orgasm’ People don’t stop and think of the damage that they are doing to themselves, the hurt that this is causing. After all ‘faking orgasm’ is a global joke. Imagine you said to your husband or wife, ‘For the last 10 years I have not enjoyed sex with you.’ Immediately they feel hurt and rejected and most likely angry. To relate in a more positive way would be to express the feelings without projecting the anger, in order words to relate from your heart. Sex is to be enjoyed. Yet it is misused and abused so much. We must try and be real and honest with each other.

I will tell you a story. A man came to me to thank me. He was now having great sex with his wife who was coming to see me as well. He was very happy. Naturally I was glad for him. Some weeks later he came to me again, now saying that he was angry with his wife. I asked why. This is what he said ‘I am angry with her because this is the sort of sex I should have been having for the last twenty years.’ I sent him home with a suggestion, release your anger in a constructive way because your anger could bring you right back to square one. He needed to give his anger, hurt and loss a voice but in a constructive manner. Why were they not having good sex in the first place? They were not honestly relating. This causes suppression of feelings over time, which is a destructive way of dealing with the feelings. Projecting your negative feelings on to the person is blaming, instead of owning the feelings.

Both genders have physical and emotional needs. Our strongest need is survival. Our second is sex. Some people in relationships would dearly love to get out of or change the relationship. And people who are not in relationships want to be in one. So when we say we want a relationship: do we really? Most people pretend, lie and cheat. We pretend that we are ok when we are clearly not. We wear masks. How can we not lie when we clearly don’t trust? We are not able to trust.

When there is betrayal there is terrible hurt and anger. It is very important for us to forgive because forgiveness is a gift to oneself. Even if we forgive it is more difficult to regain the trust that has been eroded. And I think that if we were to see what we are doing to one another and ourselves we surely would not do it. Unconsciously we are destroying our relationships because most of the time we dismiss the feelings: pain, hurt, anger and pretend that everything is ok. We are then creating a barrier around the heart. A barrier to the ones we love and most of all to ourselves. We are not relating constructively to one another or to ourselves, we are relating destructively. A way to help you relate constructively is to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal without censoring them. Make sure to keep this journal private. Writing is one way to externalise your feelings instead of externalising them ONTO someone else i.e. dumping them. A way to relieve and release anger is to scream in your car or punch cushions in a private place. You may need a counsellor to resolve issues, to help you.

Love and best wishes
Tommy

This site is © Copyright Thomas Jordan 2011, All Rights Reserved